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18 February 1999 - 2:30pm
I'm lying flat on my back in bed, writing this with pen and paper. I'll type it into the computer later.

Discomfort. Agony. Immobility.

I woke up this morning, after a restless night's sleep. The past couple of weeks have been uncomfortable, with pain finally rearing its' ugly head yesterday. This morning, after looking in the mirror, I noticed something bad. I wasn't straight anymore. My hip was sticking out to the right, and it seemed obvious to me that it was out in a BIG way. Trying to stand straight caused a lot of pain, so I immediately discontinued that idea.

Three days ago, Scot rang me and asked me if I could cover for his receptionist for 3 days. At that time I agreed, because I felt that I could override my discomfort for that period of time. However, on the second day - yesterday - it was excruciating. Working a 10-hour day and finding that I couldn't sit or stand but could only walk around was not very much fun. You wouldn't believe how happy I was to finally finish for the day. Driving home was painful, as every time I pressed down on the clutch I felt pain in my left leg.

This morning, after seeing my hip like that, I realised the problem was greater than I thought. What I originally thought - up until then - was that my collapsed disc injury that occurred back in 1993 was flaring up, and by gritting my teeth I'd tolerate it until it passed. But this hip of mine showed it was something different. I decided I'd need to visit a chiropractor.

After showering and dressing, I went to drive to work. This time, however, as soon as I sat in the car I knew that I couldn't do it. I immediately got out and had to get one of my housemates to drive me to work. After getting there, I knew I couldn't do that as well. A day of that torture just wasn't attractive to me. So I made a few phone calls. The first thing I did was to find a chiropractor to visit.  The second thing I did was to talk to a friend who had a back injury of her own and she advised me to get my doctor's opinion. Good advice. She also offered some painkillers that she had spare, an offer which I was happy to accept.

I rang another friend and asked her to go and pick up the painkillers then bring them to me at work. She did. While she was doing that, I spoke to my doctor and he referred me to a chiropractor, and I then made an appointment for tomorrow. Then I rang Scot and told him how I felt, and he ok'd me leaving the office but diverting the phone to my mobile.

When my friend came with the painkillers, I immediately downed some and then got her to take me home.

That's where I am now - flat-out on my back on my bed. The pain, the pain! The painkillers have made me drowsy, and every time I start to drop off to sleep the mobile rings and I have to deal with a customer... annoying, but tolerable. I'm sure Scot's going to be pissed off that I had to leave the office, but it's better that I did that than hang around and have my back collapse on me and be taken away by an ambulance... 

One cannot conquer the evil in himself by resisting it...
but by transmuting its energies into other forms.
The energy that expresses itself in the form of evil
is the same energy which expresses itself in the form of good;
and thus the one may be transmuted into the other.



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2001 Alan Howard