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4 May 1999 - 1:15pm
I've been spending the past couple of weeks working pretty hard on a new e-commerce website which is going really well. Those of us who are involved in it are hoping that it's going to make us rich. That's what e-commerce sites are doing elsewhere, and we hope to follow the trend. I've also spent the same period of time trying to get over a flu. It's been hard having to work while sick.  Working for yourself is excellent and I wouldn't trade it in for anything else, but when you're sick and have to work (or you just don't earn any money and you lose confidence from your clients), that's when you really understand what motivation is all about. Those people who work for a living, for someone else, they have that 'luxury' of being able to take sickies and not have to come to work and still get paid. I remember taking advantage of that as well, and I'm glad I can't do that any more. It really makes you feel great to know that your income and your future are dependent entirely on your efforts, and not on the efforts of someone else (like when you work for someone else). And it wasn't too difficult to stay motivated. What was difficult was forcing myself to stay indoors our of the cold weather... I love going out, and I had many opportunities to go out still during my time of sickness. Gotta love that strong will. Hehehe.

What an interesting weekend I've had. On ICQ a few weeks ago I started talking to this woman (we'll call her Miss D) who lives here in Canberra as well. We spoke for about an hour but we had such a great time that I was looking forward to speaking to her again. Well, it wasn't until last Sunday night that I spoke to her again, and again we seemed to both be enjoying our conversation with each other. I asked her if she'd like to exchange phone numbers, which she did. A short while later, she called me at 1am, and we just spoke and spoke and spoke... eventually we hung up around 7:30am Monday morning (yesterday).  That's the record for a phone conversation with me!! Six and a half hours... it was just amazing. So I only had about 3 hours sleep before I had to get up and do stuff.

I have to let you in on a little secret. Well, I don't have to, but I choose to. On the Saturday night I had a phone call from a woman in Melbourne who I've also spoken to a couple of times on ICQ and on the phone a couple of weeks ago.  She rang me at around 1am and we spoke until 5am, so about 4 hours on that night. However, a strange thing happened. It hasn't happened to me before... At around 3:30am, the conversation started getting steamy, and she ended up masturbating to the sound of my voice. I didn't know how to deal with it, because I've never had phone sex before... so I was just flattered and excited that she did that. She's planning on coming up to see me in a couple of weeks.

And then there was the next night with Miss D. Exactly the same thing happened! It didn't happen until around 5:30 or so... so we'd been speaking for over 4 hours. Then all of a sudden she's masturbating as well! 

I was sitting here on my end of the phone, absolutely stunned, wondering what the hell is going on in my world for this to happen on two nights in a row with two separate people!! I have only two theories to explain it, because I certainly didn't initiate anything for it to happen. And they both seemed embarrassed and amazed and incredulous that they had done that as well. My theories are:

1.there was a full moon on the weekend, and people do strange things during full moons, and 
2.I'm getting over a flu and my voice is husky because of it. Maybe because of my sickness my voice is sounding the sexiest it's ever been in my entire life! 

One of them has got to be true. Or none of them... *shrug*

I hope it doesn't happen again. Why? Because it's frustrating. It's frustrating hearing their sounds of pleasure and not being part of their experience...  Needless to say, I'm very curious as to what's going to happen between us, with both women.

I spoke to Miss D again last night. She's obviously interested in talking to me some more, and isn't too embarrassed about what happened. I think we're going to be meeting up tonight for a drink.

I'm actually surprised that I'm talking about this in here... but hey, if I can't talk about these things in here, then what's the point of me having this, right? Right.   So if you don't like reading about these things, you'll just have to deal with it, or never read this again.

I wonder if this marks a turning point in my life in some way...

One more thing happened on the weekend that deserves mention. For the past couple of weeks or so I've been emailing with a woman in London. We 'met' via a singles website called MatchMakers. We both seem to have lots to say each other, and we're very like-minded in regards to our spiritual interests and we've just had a good time talking to each other via email. She's planning on coming to Australia this year sometime, and plans on meeting up with me when she gets here. She also has a journal on her website which I only got around to fully reading yesterday, and it was very helpful for me in understanding more about her. 

Anyway, on Sunday night she phoned me! It wasn't very long - nothing like 4-6 hours - because she rang home and it got diverted to my mobile and I was out with some friends, so I didn't speak long at all. It was great to speak with her briefly though. She sent me an email today saying that she was going to try and bring her trip forward in time. 

This year seems as if it's turning into an interesting one.

When love beckons to you, follow him,
though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you, yield to him.
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you, believe in him.
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

4 May 1999 - 1:15pm

Same day, different entry. I've decided that I've really got to do more about keeping this up to date. If I don't, I'm missing out on recording my thoughts and events on a daily basis. If I don't write something for weeks, then those things which are important to me for a day or two fade away into insignificance or are completely lost amongst my memories.

The woman in England is really nice. I can tell that from our emails and from what I've read in her journal. She reads my journal too, which doesn't bother me, and actually makes me happy. However, she's brought up an issue in her latest email tonight, and that is that with all these women around the place who seem to be interested in me, it doesn't bode well for her coming over here and finding compatibility with me.

This is a reasonable fear but unfortunately it's not something I can deal with effectively in regards to her. The problem is that I've done this kind of thing before, and I guess I have been hurt in a big way through disappointments of one kind or another. One incident comes to mind of a cyber-relationship I had with a woman in South Africa about 2-3 years ago.  It went for about 6-8 months and was just wonderful. We spoke via email and IRC so much, and exchanged so many thoughts and opinions and dreams. We both felt that there was something special between us. She planned a trip around the world that would allow her to end up in Australia, and we planned to meet. I still remember her last email, which she sent as she was packing her bags into the car before heading to the airport. She was so excited about the trip, and eventually meeting me, and I was excited too. But I never heard from her since.

I don't know what happened to her. I don't know if something bad happened to her on her way around the world, of if she met someone else and decided to forget about me. I'd put so much energy into feeling for her, and it was hard to let that energy go.

Other examples have occurred on a smaller level, where over the internet I get along famously with someone, but then when we meet we find that we're just incompatible face-to-face. Admittedly, none of those 'lesser' incidents were with women who I felt as strong about as I did with the woman from Sth Africa, but they were still disappointments.

I don't want to fall into those traps again. I guess my experiences have caused me to hesitate, or to feel somewhat disillusioned about it all, and thus cause me to hold myself back from putting a lot of energy into creating hope between the other person (whoever she might be) and I. If it doesn't work out, I don't want to fall so hard again. And I don't want the other person to fall either. 

Is it better to be distant on this, or to throw myself into the deep end right from the beginning? Is it better to 'play the game' with them all and see what happens with the first to meet me, or is it better to hang my hopes on one person and concentrate on her?

To be honest, I think it's better to do as I'm doing. To be honest with myself is the best way of doing things, for sure. As far as I'm concerned, I have to continue my life as it is, talk to all who are interested in me and see how I feel about each of them as I meet them. Those who I aren't compatible with in a relationship will just be friends, and I'll await the next person to come along. If the English woman gets here and I'm still single and we're compatible, then that's great. If we're not compatible, then that's sad, but friendship is still a great thing. If I'm not single, then that's sad too... But I have to do it that way, because any other way just hurts too much, for all of those concerned.

Sometimes, I've noticed that the quotes I use at the end of my entries actually feel to me as if they relate to my entry itself. I guess that's the way it should be. 

There is no situation that could ever confront you,
that cannot be solved.
Life takes on real meaning when you set values for yourself,
regard yourself as worthwhile
and elevate your thoughts to things that are of God-good.
There is a Higher Power.
Turn to it and use it;
it is yours for the asking.



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2001 Alan Howard