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7 May 1999 - 2am
Something amazing happened tonight.

On Saturday night, as you already know, I had a 4-hr conversation with a woman in Melbourne (I'll call her "goddess"). Towards the end of it, she masturbated because of me, and I was stunned that it was happening. The very next night the same thing happened with another woman.

On Tuesday night, "goddess" came onto ICQ and spoke about the weekend and our phone conversation. I told her that the same thing had happened with someone else on the following night, and I didn't understand what made this weekend so amazingly different in my life.

I fucked up.

She left ICQ, and I thought maybe she got disconnected. She came on tonight and spoke briefly with me, saying that it would be better if I found someone in Canberra, and she said goodbye and left.

I've had women say goodbye before - I've even said goodbye myself. I've only spoken to her a few times over the past couple of weeks. She said goodbye. 

Something amazing happened.

Something in my heart happened. 

I don't know what it was. I just know I felt so incredibly sad... How do I explain a feeling in my heart?. I knew straight away that I'd fucked up by telling her about the other experience, and it greatly affected me.

I phoned her. No answer. I emailed her. Not good enough. I phoned her again.  She answered. I spoke to her, but It was difficult to talk to her... she was civil, but reserved, and I felt guilty. I felt I'd done something wrong. I felt sad and upset that I'd hurt her. And I felt I was right to feel that way.

I felt confrontational with myself. I was confronted here by a situation that I had fucked up, and normally I wouldn't give a shit. I had feelings here that I didn't realise until she said goodbye. I was devastated by that.

As we spoke, I discovered how special she felt I was. I discovered that her masturbating over the phone and sharing that with me was something special for her. I cheapened it for her and betrayed her by being involved in it with someone else.

And I felt that she's right. I still do. 

I have been getting messages here and there, from various written and spoken sources. The messages have been to focus my energy on one person, or I risk losing what is dearest to me, even though I might not know what that is. Up until now, I'd been drifting. Even with her in the picture, there was the Canberran 'phone sex' woman, and there's the lady in England who also feels that I'm special. I've been drifting between all three, even though none of them were physically in my life.

I discovered that something really hurt inside me when "goddess" said goodbye. I don't understand what happened, but I didn't want to turn my back on that.

We spoke for two hours tonight, with the last hour or so being comfortable, being as it was before tonight. I lost her trust, and that meant so much to me.

I don't understand what's happened, but I'm excited by what it might mean.

I got her work address from her. She asked why, but I dodged the question. She gave it freely, and with great detail. I think she knew what I wanted to do, and was happy to have it happen. 

Tomorrow, I'm going to organise the sending to her of a bunch of flowers with my apologies, my love and my belated best wishes for Mother's Day, as she'll likely receive them on Monday. 

Now I'm concerned about something else. The lady in England is also special to me, and while I'm glad that events have happened to bring my focus onto one person, I'm also sad that the English lady will be a little upset with what happened and my decision.

However, I'm probably wrong with that. Today she was telling me in an email about this very situation that is so relevent that I'm going to put it in here... I'm sure she won't mind. Hey, if she does, then I'll just take this section out again.  She wrote:

I can't feel as hurt that you are with someone else NOW as I would later when I came over.. and hopefully if you throw your whole self into it now, it will either be over by then, or we will be over by then.. so it wont hurt as much either way as it would have done if you did not go for it whole heartedly, and just let it drift cos you could not make a decision about which of us to go for..

So the English lady and I will be great internet-friends, and if nothing ends up happening with "goddess", even though I'm going to give it everything I've got, then maybe the English lady will become my focus.


Life is so confusing at times. On one hand is happiness and excitement about possibilities with one person, whileon the other hand is another person possibly being hurt by those same possibilities... 

This internet stuff is crazy. It brings together people who seem to be so compatible and wonderful when they talk via the internet or the phone, but then you get what's just happened to me - the 'togetherness' occurring with different people at the same time!! And the fear, as always, is when you eventually meet, will you feel the same way when you are face-to-face with them? You just have to go with your feelings at the time, and I certainly felt some feelings tonight.

I wonder if you're as interested in all this as I am. 

I feel much more expressive this week. This is my third entry this week - something has changed.

Trials are but lessons
that you failed to learn
presented once again,
so where you made a faulty choice before
you can now make a better one,
and thus escape all pain
that what you chose before
has brought to you.



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2001 Alan Howard