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14 April 1999 - 2:15am
Tonight I saw for the third time the best movie I've seen in my entire life. Last week I saw it around lunchtime on its opening day, and loved it so much I saw it again that night. Tonight I saw it again! I have decided that I have become a cult fan of this movie. What is it!!, you are probably yelling. Here's a clue.

If you haven't guessed by now, it's Keanu Reeves from a scene in The Matrix. Now, normally I wouldn't go on like this about a movie. Up until recently, Aliens was my all-time favourite movie - but I guess it had to be replaced someday. It was mostly made in Sydney (Australia), and there were a number
of Australian actors in it - notably Hugo Weaving as Agent Smith. Keanu Reeves was Thomas Anderson, aka "Neo". The special effects in this movie were incredible. The storyline was straight out of my favourite genre, which is "cyberpunk". It's a term created by William Gibson some time ago with a book called Neuromancer.  "Cyberpunk" is all about computer hackers and street punks and artificial intelligence in the not-so-distant future. In my opinion, The Matrix was about that genre and was just brilliant. I loved it! I recommend that you see it for yourself.

There are parts of the movie that I'd like to discuss, but then I also know that I might just spoil it for those of you who haven't seen it yet. So I won't talk about it. Yes, this is my journal, but I'm not the kind of person who spoils movies for others, that's just not done.

My car has started to run down on me. I'm going to have to get about $1200 worth of repairs on it, which include the drive shaft joints, the shocks and the brakes. *sigh*  Expenses.  I wish I didn't have them.


The course of human life is like that of a great river which, by the force of
its own swiftness, takes quite new and unforeseen channels where before
there was no current - such varied currents and unpremeditated changes
are part of God's purpose for our lives.

Life is not an artificial canal to be confined within prescribed channels.

When once this is clearly seen in our own lives, then we shall not be able
to be misled by any mere fabrications.

14 April 1999 - 2:15am

What an interesting chat I had tonight with someone on ICQ. Someone I used to know from high school. I've been chatting to them on and off for a few months now, but only tonight was it meaningful in relation to my past. I found out that two women I used to be in love with back then are both unhappily married today.  It's times like these that I wish I had the opportunities of the past all over again.  Would things be different now if I was who I used to be, but with the wisdom of who I am now? Of course they would.

Cheryl Anne and Cindy. Cheryl Anne was the first for me to fall in love with, in Year 8. I was 13. Every time the subject of me liking her came up, I fought tooth and nail to get people to believe I didn't. Except for my closest friends, of course. Looking back on it now, I can't understand the reasoning I had. I was just so bloody stupid... Cheryl Anne was the subject of my dreams for 5 years, with me doing nothing for that whole period of time. Once, one of my friends pretended that I'd written a love letter to her, and gave it to her... when she got some of her friends to drag me up in front of her, I denied it. What else could I do when there was an audience of 10 of her friends around her? Stupid.

Then in Year 11 I discovered Cindy. Her and I became friends, of a sort. We were in the same classes and spoke more than Cheryl Anne and I ever had.  Once, we were sitting in a courtyard at school having lunch. I was sitting on a seat at this table, and she was sitting on the table itself, talking to me. Then there was a moment of silence as we were looking into each other's eyes. She then said, "You have nice blue eyes." I said, "Thanks. So do you," (because she did). But that's all I said, and then there was more silence and she changed the subject. Stupid.

I never told either of them how I felt, but they both learnt from other people. I was just too scared of god-knows-what to do anything about it. After high school finished, I didn't see Cherylanne, but I often saw Cindy where she worked.  However, 4 months after school finished, I moved away with my family. I never saw Cindy again.

I saw Cherylanne in 1991 when I went to Pt Augusta with a film crew to do a documentary on the jail up there. I remembered her from high school as this beautiful, sweet and innocent young woman. When I saw her in '91, she had changed. Her eyes were cold, and she had lines of stress at her eyes. We spoke briefly and I learnt that she'd gotten married and had a number of children.  I was sad then.

Tonight I'm sad again. These women were the first loves I had in my life, and to hear that they are both unhappily married, makes me wish I had been more forward 15+ years ago. 

I want to get their phone numbers and phone them to say hello. But what would I say? Would they remember me? Would they want to remember me? So many questions... If you have any comments or suggestions of your own, I'd love to hear them. Email me... [email protected] 

Be at peace and see
a clear pattern and plan
running through all your lives.

Nothing is by chance.



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2001 Alan Howard